Patience - or lack of it!

I have always known that I struggle with patience. I've mentioned before that this cancer journey taught me to submit to God's will and to trust Him. Every once in a while I feel the old friend, impatience, rear its ugliness. I feel it when it is close, and I work hard to stop it from taking over my spirit.  I want to have the appointment with the doctor now, or I want to stop experiencing side effects now.  Occasionally, my lack of patience has served me well if it gives me the motivation to get what I need from the doctors, nurses, or pharmacy, but when I feel it turn in to anger, I know it's got to go...so I let it go. I've found that staying focused on my health, not wavering or forgetting what I've been through, motivates me to do what I must to do....exercise, exercise, eat right, and exercise some more! Friends, believe me, when the doctors say that exercise will help with the aches in the joints and your attitude - they are right! I'm getting on that darn treadmill every day -- whether it's for one mile or two, whether it's a run/walk or a just a walk. Patience....."Be still and know that I am God." I'm absolutely certain that God does not want me to be physically still, as in sitting around and letting things "just happen". Sure, I could take this year 'off' from work, exercise, activities...but I know that he wants me to work alongside Him in caring for this vessel he provided so the breast cancer never returns. "Being still" means not fighting His plan, and it means submitting to His plan. Knowing that he IS God, leaves no doubt that He is in control and present to me every moment.

One day at a time and being positive

I can't lie....it was a matter of taking one day at a time and moment by moment. Even though this month brings back a flood of memories from last year - turning 50 on a chemo day, losing hair and weight, and a list of side effects that aren't worth thinking about because it's all nothing compared to living life with new purpose - to live life the way God created me to live it.
 

Rolling On

Over the past couple of months I honestly feel like the cancer was a past detour -- an exit off the real road of my life. I am only a few days away from the last reconstruction surgery. Since the last surgery I have moved to Oklahoma and started a new job teaching 6th graders. New beginnings all the way around, and it pushes the "year of breast cancer" further away.
I recently read a book by Elizabeth Edwards, Resilience, which was given to me by my dear father-in-law, Bert.  After reading the book I was struck by how much Elizabeth and I had in common in the events of our lives. We both lost a son, a husband, a father, and then breast cancer -- in the same order. For women, I guess, these would be the toughest losses we could endure.  So, not a huge revelation that these would be common threads in our lives.  Through her revealing expressions of these events, I realized also how different we can be in how we process through them. No where in Elizabeth's story telling does she speak of God, or faith. Not that she didn't have it, she didn't write about it. It just makes me wonder -- how did she get through it without the One who loves us? How did she get through it without the knowledge that her husband was going to be there for her, through it all, faithfully? I am so blessed.  We know that she writes with the knowledge that her cancer comes back and takes her life. She writes so heavily about how she handles the news that the cancer returns in her bones. I almost had to stop reading at that point, but I reminded myself that I am not afraid because I DO have knowledge of the one who loves me and I am healed. She and I had one last thing in common: the understanding that there is no use for unforgiveness.  Love on every one in your life every moment you have.

Reconstructing life - getting back on the road!

Not only is my hair coming back thicker, but I'm starving for the good foods I used to love! Reconstruction has been....interesting? Feels like I've been working out my chest muscles; it hurts to push, pull, and lift. I really like my surgeon and that makes a huge difference. Every week I'll go in for her to increase the expander until I feel comfortable. 

As I work with the doctor and spend time on recuperating, I realize that this is IT...the recovery! So exciting. 
It reminds me of when the kids were little -- I used to tell them "nothing good comes without a some hard work".  Margot, at 7 years old, said "that doesn't make sense -- rice krispy treats are easy to make and they are really good!". Another time I repeated the golden nugget of wisdom and while Margot was rolling her eyes, 5 year old Mitch said "that's true cuz it takes me a lotta tries to hit the ball where I want it to go!".  LOL.

Reconstruction

Preparing my mind and body for reconstruction surgery has been the most positive and exciting part of my recovery.  I am so looking forward to it - I'm going in the hospital in a couple days to have the tissue expanders placed for both breasts.  While I am in surgery, they will do a simple mastectomy of my remaining (right) breast -- this will significantly decrease the chances of the breast cancer returning. Then in a couple months I'll have the expanders replaced with implants! yay.  I've told everyone that I don't want to look younger, I just want to look as close to the same as I used to.  I've heard some women don't go through the reconstruction process, but I want to.  I'm a young 50 and I feel I have many more active years of life left in me!

There must be an analogy to this physical reconstruction to my spiritual reconstruction...hmmm...for the next blog.

New Hair

My new hair is baby hair thin and GRAY! It's coming in straight for now - I can see some waves trying to start.  I don't know what it's like to have straight hair, and this is so different from my previous head of hair! I was just getting tired of the hot blonde wig. My first outing without the wig was to Walmart. I figured if I got stares at Walmart then I would be comfortable anywhere.  Lee kept telling me that it looked great, but he always thinks I look great.  He was my biggest cheerleader on this issue, and he said "just go for it honey, you look awesome".  I'm sure I got on his nerves; I would walk around the house, rub my hand over my short hair and say "are you sure?" and he would say "YES! you look great!" and he often liked to rub my hair and say "it's sooo soft!".  Best husband ever.

The first day of school without the wig was scary, and I thought I would be uncomfortable with the stares from the kids, but it wasn't like that at all!  As I walked down the 4th grade hall to my classroom, the fourth grade teachers spotted me and gave me hugs and raved about how stylish I looked! They prayed with me and gave me the courage to get through the day. The ladies in the office reacted the same, and the high school kids were funny -- many of them said "Miss, you look like that lady on the yogurt commercial!" I'm sure they mean Jamie Lee Curtis and I know what they meant - "short gray hair is cool"!

Aaahh......much more comfortable this way!

Race for the Cure February 2010 ~ what wonderful friends I work with!

Our school team, "Leslie and Lisa's Miracle Seekers " was the largest school team in El Paso

 My hero

My friends and co-workers

Chemo

• When we woke up on Thursday mornings, we didn't talk much. Lee drank his coffee, we watched a minute of the news and we got our bags ready for the chemo day. I never talked on the way to chemo, but Lee was always upbeat and had things to talk about.
• We  usually arrived at chemo at 8:00 a.m. and I was always in chemo brain so I was foggy. The lab girls would call me back for my blood work. That little lab room was always decorated for the season and the girls always complimented me on my blonde wig - they liked that one the best:)
• Dr. Rivera and her nurse, Cristine, would see me soon after the blood work was done, and I was always on pins and needles waiting to hear if my platelets were at a good level and if I could handle the next chemo dose. Dr. Rivera seemed to enjoy talking with us about every day topics like politics, cost of medicine, and make up! She was great. Dr. Rivera treated me like I was one of her girlfriends - she gave me advice on how to grow my eyelashes back, about menopause, and encouraged me to not listen to all the negative Nancy's out there! Thank you, Dr. Rivera.
• If I was able to take chemo that day, I would go to see the chemo appointment nurse whose office was covered with Dallas Cowboy decorations. Lee always had a good Cowboy joke for her and we could tell she always looked forward to seeing us!
• Celeste, my chemo nurse, was always happy to see us. She let us pick out our chair and then Lee would prepare my chair with cozy blanket, drink, snack, and made sure I had my Ipod. He would sit in the chair next to me, turn on the TV, get out his solitaire game or book, and we settled in for the next 4 hours.
• Celeste would prepare my portocath with a sequence of activities - flushing the portocath, cleaning the area, and inserting the first meds.  First the saline, then the benadryl/steroid, then I'd get sleepy and she would insert the chemo (the red stuff).  I'd put in my Ipod with my praise and worship music and cover up with a blanket. I would practically pass out for the next two hours. Lee never left me and stayed there with me the whole time, every chemo session.
• Text messaging with Linda and Margot always made me happy during this time before I fell asleep:) 
• When Celeste or Lee woke me up, I felt a little groggy but good to go home. The steroid made me feel great the first day. I would even feel like cleaning or cooking that day, but it all hit the second and third day.
• By this time of day, we realized that humor and a good attitude was going to be the key to getting better, so this day was the catapult that would get us through the next week - we laughed a lot!
• On Friday morning I felt like I was hit with the flu. My whole body hurt, I was nauseous. We had to go back to chemo to get the Neulesta shot around noon. This medicine would boost my white blood cells for the next few days so that I wouldn't catch every bad cold or germ. It made me feel better around Sunday night. From Friday through Sunday night I really don't remember much, just laying on the couch, using the bathroom, and not wanting to eat.
• Monday or Tuesday I might go to work for half day. I would keep up with my work from home because I could log on to my school computer remotely. The kids and teachers at school kept me smiling and laughing, and I knew that I had to be there to get better! Laughter, joy, and great attitudes - thank you!!
• I would be able to work full days on Wednesday through Friday. I would completely rest and do nothing the following weekend and trudge through the next work week until chemo started all over again.

The chemo nurses at Texas Oncology were wonderful beyond words. I will never forget their faces, their touches, and their encouragement. They laughed with us as we told them funny stories of my forgetfulness and dealing with my hair loss. Laughter is the best medicine!

Thanksgiving 2010 - Mitch and my mom came to visit! It was wonderful.  I actually ate some Thanksgiving dinner and I know that it was God that gave me this wonderful holiday to celebrate with my family. I missed Margot so much, but she had to work. Lee's dad was here, too, and they made the holiday really fun. It felt strange for Mitch to see me without hair, and so sick, but he gave me strength with every hug and kiss. My mom had the hardest time seeing me sick.  Lee took care of everything as usual.

Last Adriamycin - December 23, 2010 

Taxol - December 30

The Taxol was a different story- the other side effects slowly subsided around the tenth week in to the Taxol treatments, and the new side effects were bearable: bone/muscle pain, neuropathy of the fingers and toes, and a strange side effect the doctor hadn't heard of at this point - my teeth hurt! Cold and heat were unbearable to touch my teeth, and the constant gum pain was just so odd.

Last chemo treatment - February 17, one day after Lee's birthday

I prayed that God would make the months of chemo go by in a flash or that I would be put in a coma so I wouldn't have to keep going through it. Here's the blessing - on my very last day of chemo (February 17) I was amazed at how the past was history and seemed like only a day.

Loss and Hope

Throughout my life I have dealt with loss and shared my experiences with whoever needed to hear me say "I've been through this and I know how you feel".  I have lost a child, my father, my first marriage, and dreams for the future. These losses never made me lose hope! I've put one foot in front of the other and moved on, knowing that God has been in control and that life is too short to be sad and unhappy - loss always brings something new in my life and that has been the most important truth. Jesus said it best when he told his disciples his beautiful attitudes about life - yes, it is upside-down to say that we are blessed when we suffer, but when we are blessed we are touched by God. The blessing may not be what we want, but it is still a touch from God and we can help others because we've experienced it.

Breast cancer - loss of a breast, loss of hair, loss of the dream of a "perfect future together".  We will always say, "remember that year of dealing with breast cancer?" It changes your life forever, but it really only creates a changed future.  Lee said it best when he admitted to me that our future will be different because he will always wonder if this cancer will come back -- despite remission and despite how good I feel now.  He is right -- our future will be different but not hopeless! God is good, and I am healthy. 
 
Blessings, Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

The Detour

July 26, 2010 - The first day of my changed life. A new path...a peripitous event in my life. Shock and grief hovered over us after hearing the words "Mrs. Smith, the lab results show that you have breast cancer".  In that first blink of a moment, I silently screamed every bad word I ever heard, said, or wanted to say.  In the next instant, I looked at my husband's face. I still haven't found the words to describe what I saw there. I could see him falling to the same place I was falling. A deep pit that God only knows its depth. Then, I cried out to God "Of course you would give me BREAST CANCER! You've given me every other hardship in life why not just give me the only one left!" God answered like a father taking a big long sigh, no words - just made his presence known. I felt him with me and knew there was no changing the circumstances.  I don't know how I was able to walk or talk over the next couple of days. I remember being completely reliant on Lee for every breath.

August 10, 2010 - radical mastectomy of my left breast.

I have been asked if I have phantom feelings with the loss of my breast. I have not, and I do not have grief over losing my breast. Some women do, but I did not. I just wanted every cancer cell gone, and if it meant losing flesh, then so be it.  When I was in the tight fist of fear right after the surgery, I remembered that God engraved me in the palm of His hands and I just had to step through it. Healing from the surgery was easy - preparing mentally for what was ahead was the hard part.

Lee was able to get convalescent leave to stay home through the first two months of my chemo - he did EVERYTHING. I just went to the doctor, laid on the couch or in bed, and went to work when I was able. He took care of everything.

September 15, 2010 - first chemotherapy treatment.

Adriamycin and Cytoxin for the first 4 treatments (once a week) and Taxol for the next 12 treatments (once a week).

The Adriamycin and Cytoxin was the worst. It caused chemo brain, nausea, body aches, killed taste buds, loss of all my hair, total loss of weight at 20 lbs, diarrhea, constipation, anal fissures, insomnia, and more. On the morning of the third treatment I told Lee I wasn't going to chemo. I don't remember what he said or what he did, just that I told him to call Dr. Rivera and tell her I wasn't going through with it. I know this was really ME talking, it was something else taking over me. It was stupid because the thing I wanted the most was to be finished with the chemo. Somehow Lee got me to the doctor's office. After getting my blood work done, Dr. Rivera told me that my platelets were extremely low so I couldn't go through with the chemo that day and to postpone a week. How crazy was that? Was God laughing at me? No, I learned to be patient and to submit. Trusting that this would be over one day.

Chemo Brain - the whole time on this chemo, I felt like I was walking in jello or in  fog. Things were happening but they just weren't clear. I functioned great but I wouldn't remember what happened the day before and sometimes I would forget names. I maneuvered around slowly and sometimes Lee had to repeat things to me several times because I  wouldn't quite grasp subjects. I'm sure he had to repeat himself a lot.

Hair Loss - ugh. When it first started coming out it was 2 weeks after the first chemo. It was in the shower. When I was shampooing it just came out in clumps over a period of a week. After the second neulesta shot, Lee and I went to my hair dresser and asked her to cut it short, which was a great idea. Everyone loved seeing my hair short - thank God for my supportive family! I love them. They thought I looked great with the short gray hair, but it only lasted a day. It all came out in the next shower. Oh, how I became depressed over the hair loss. The bald head, no eyelashes, no eyebrows. Just looking in the mirror was so painful and for the first month I refused to even look at myself in the mirror -- I was skinny, scarred, no breast, and no hair.  My family was faithful, God was faithful, and I put one foot in front of the other and told myself it would be over soon. I thank God every day for the courage to smile and laugh, knowing that there was another tomorrow:)  I also thank God for my wonderful husband, children, sisters, mother, and friends who smiled and laughed with me.

The Blonde Wig! This was the 'vote' from everyone.

My husband

He could write a book - several books, really - but the best seller will be the one he writes on how to deal with your wife who is going through breast cancer treatment. Lee sacrificed two months to stay home and be everything I couldn't be. My job was my motivation to keep getting up every morning, so I went to work when I could. I would get home and pass out on the couch, sick to my stomach, pain in my body, head swimming. I lived in a fog - chemo brain. Lee  would cook what I could eat that day, keep the house together, talk on the phone for me, shop for me, and was my voice and common sense with every doctor and nurse.

During the first days of grief over hearing the news, Lee told me that God is like a general picks his strongest soldiers to complete a mission. So this became a mission that I understood would be over at some point. Lee listened to my groaning and complaining, my questions and my lack of understanding. He gave me the answers I needed.  The love he provides is certain and I am so blessed!

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. (Ecclesiates 3:1)