July 26, 2010 - The first day of my changed life. A new path...a peripitous event in my life. Shock and grief hovered over us after hearing the words "Mrs. Smith, the lab results show that you have breast cancer". In that first blink of a moment, I silently screamed every bad word I ever heard, said, or wanted to say. In the next instant, I looked at my husband's face. I still haven't found the words to describe what I saw there. I could see him falling to the same place I was falling. A deep pit that God only knows its depth. Then, I cried out to God "Of course you would give me BREAST CANCER! You've given me every other hardship in life why not just give me the only one left!" God answered like a father taking a big long sigh, no words - just made his presence known. I felt him with me and knew there was no changing the circumstances. I don't know how I was able to walk or talk over the next couple of days. I remember being completely reliant on Lee for every breath.
August 10, 2010 - radical mastectomy of my left breast.
I have been asked if I have phantom feelings with the loss of my breast. I have not, and I do not have grief over losing my breast. Some women do, but I did not. I just wanted every cancer cell gone, and if it meant losing flesh, then so be it. When I was in the tight fist of fear right after the surgery, I remembered that God engraved me in the palm of His hands and I just had to step through it. Healing from the surgery was easy - preparing mentally for what was ahead was the hard part.
Lee was able to get convalescent leave to stay home through the first two months of my chemo - he did EVERYTHING. I just went to the doctor, laid on the couch or in bed, and went to work when I was able. He took care of everything.
September 15, 2010 - first chemotherapy treatment.
Adriamycin and Cytoxin for the first 4 treatments (once a week) and Taxol for the next 12 treatments (once a week).
The Adriamycin and Cytoxin was the worst. It caused chemo brain, nausea, body aches, killed taste buds, loss of all my hair, total loss of weight at 20 lbs, diarrhea, constipation, anal fissures, insomnia, and more. On the morning of the third treatment I told Lee I wasn't going to chemo. I don't remember what he said or what he did, just that I told him to call Dr. Rivera and tell her I wasn't going through with it. I know this was really ME talking, it was something else taking over me. It was stupid because the thing I wanted the most was to be finished with the chemo. Somehow Lee got me to the doctor's office. After getting my blood work done, Dr. Rivera told me that my platelets were extremely low so I couldn't go through with the chemo that day and to postpone a week. How crazy was that? Was God laughing at me? No, I learned to be patient and to submit. Trusting that this would be over one day.
Chemo Brain - the whole time on this chemo, I felt like I was walking in jello or in fog. Things were happening but they just weren't clear. I functioned great but I wouldn't remember what happened the day before and sometimes I would forget names. I maneuvered around slowly and sometimes Lee had to repeat things to me several times because I wouldn't quite grasp subjects. I'm sure he had to repeat himself a lot.
Hair Loss - ugh. When it first started coming out it was 2 weeks after the first chemo. It was in the shower. When I was shampooing it just came out in clumps over a period of a week. After the second neulesta shot, Lee and I went to my hair dresser and asked her to cut it short, which was a great idea. Everyone loved seeing my hair short - thank God for my supportive family! I love them. They thought I looked great with the short gray hair, but it only lasted a day. It all came out in the next shower. Oh, how I became depressed over the hair loss. The bald head, no eyelashes, no eyebrows. Just looking in the mirror was so painful and for the first month I refused to even look at myself in the mirror -- I was skinny, scarred, no breast, and no hair. My family was faithful, God was faithful, and I put one foot in front of the other and told myself it would be over soon. I thank God every day for the courage to smile and laugh, knowing that there was another tomorrow:) I also thank God for my wonderful husband, children, sisters, mother, and friends who smiled and laughed with me.
The Blonde Wig! This was the 'vote' from everyone.
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